March 19, 2012
Earlier this month, it was announced that the Discovery Channel was (finally) cutting ties with Man vs. Wild star Bear Grylls, who for years has allegedly made a mockery of true survival shows by retreating back to a cozy hotel when the going got tough, and relying on his precious production crew to bail him out of trouble -- which he frequently created himself.
''Due to a continuing contractual dispute with Bear Grylls, Discovery has terminated all current productions with him," Discovery said in a statement.
Grylls' publicist Heather Krug snapped back in a statement to The Hollywood Reporter.
"Bear's goal has always been to make life-empowering shows for his many fans around the globe, and he has taken great risks to bring Discovery such award-winning programming over seven seasons," she said.
Like every public dispute, this one has two distinct sides. Discovery says Bear refused to work with them on two shows that were in his contract and Bear says, well, probably something about liking the warm, salty taste of his own urine. (He said on Twitter last week, "Don't worry €¦ I'll be drinking my pee again soon!'')
We're just happy to say that Grylls is now free to go back to sleeping in disemboweled camels without a cameraman present. But we're pretty sure the survival market will continue to be saturated with Grylls' faux-hardcore facade.
In our (sarcastically) humble opinion, he should go away for good. As the Petersen's editorial crew was compiling our list of people that could adequately replace Bear to submit to Discovery, one thing became quite clear: we'd accept almost anyone. In fact, these eight women could kick his ass....and we'd enjoy watching them much, much more.
Brittany Boddington vs. Wild
To be a world-class hunter, it helps if one of the most famous hunters on Earth has raised you to follow his footsteps, and Brittany Boddington has certainly done that. The daughter of former PH editor-in-chief and hunting icon Craig Boddington, Brittany is the spitting image of her father when it comes to hunting, taking the same tough-as-nails approach to stalking wild game, and we're willing to bet there's no way Grylls could keep up with Brittany on her globetrotting hunting adventures
Eva Longoria vs. Wild
Before she was starring in Desperate Housewives and marrying NBA point guards, Eva Longoria was just your average, everyday, supermodel-hot huntress. Longoria has hunted since she was 4 years old on her family's property in Texas, and her ability to skin pretty much every wild game you could imagine has earned PETA's ire, something Grylls has never really managed to earn -- it's not that difficult, you know. For pissing off a bunch of animal rights loons, she earns a tip of the cap from us.
Melissa Bachman vs. Wild
Melissa Bachman is one of PH's loyal bloggers
, and despite that cute 'doncha know ' exterior, Melissa is seriously badass, tangling with more dangerous critters than Grylls ever has. Gators, black bears, mulies... You name it, Melissa's taken it down with her trusty pink bow, making her one of the most hardcore outdoorswomen we know.
Oprah vs. Wild
Quick, who is the most powerful human being on the planet? You might say the president, or maybe the pope, but ole' Barry and Benedict don't have the millions upon millions of dollars built on a multimedia empire as Oprah does, and neither does Grylls, for that matter. Get on Oprah's bad side, and no joke, she will send armed guards to your house to smash your stupid face into the coffee table until you have no choice but to flip the station to OWN just to keep the business end of an M-16 from knocking a few teeth on your carpet (OK, slightly joking). The point is, Oprah really knows how to market herself and build an entertainment empire off a daytime talk show, something Grylls will never be able to replicate.
Tiffany Lakosky vs. Wild
Tiffany Lakosky is a whitetail-killing machine. She and her husband, Lee, of outdoor TV fame, have parlayed their Iowa deer killing success into a national audience. Unlike Grylls' staged danger, Tiffany really hangs stands, scouts and kills. We can't confirm this fact, but we're hoping Tiffany guts, skins and processes her deer, too.
Janet Reno vs. Wild
Janet Reno helped capture Timothy McVeigh, the Unabomber and the jackasses who bombed the World Trade Center in 1993, and correctly identified Eric Rudolph. All that, and the former attorney general probably could have played linebacker for the Redskins. No way Grylls could pad up with those dainty shoulders of his.
Betty White (And the Rest of the Golden Girls) vs. Wild
We, the online maestros of Petersen's Hunting, are convinced Betty White is part of some greater conspiracy to control the mass media -- not really, but she is seriously everywhere. Be that as it may, Betty White can take a beating, as evidenced in that Snickers commercial
, and her Golden Girls cohorts, may they rest in peace, could all lay the smackdown on Grylls' British ass. We could just see Bea Arthur and Rue McLanahan whaling on Grylls while Estelle Getty cheers them from the sidelines. Thank you for being a friend, indeed.
Your Wife vs. Wild
Let's face it: There's no greater woman if your life than your bride -- at least there shouldn't be, you monkey. Even if your wife doesn't shoot and process her own deer, she earns a spot on this list simply for marrying a hunter. And not only did she not name your kids Huckleberry and Marmaduke like Grylls did, but there's no greater support a woman can give to a hunter than when the two of you are alone after a long day in the stand, and she starts to get that look in her eye, so you... Ah, we'll just stop right there and leave you two alone.